Okama bin Ramen

First Chinaman/Chinawomyn conquer outside China-land with China-food buffet! Now they shove China language (a.k.a. Chinkese) down white man's throat! China-land government pay for free class for cracker student in public skool. No more Burrito language, Cheese language or Sausage language for you round-eye kids! Ha ha, we make you eat General Tso's Choked Chicken and now you Pabst Blue Ribbon-drinking dive-bar hakujin hipster have to celebrate Chinaman New Year, Year of Eye of The Tiger!

Okama is a bona-fide audiophile, and reads many magazines on stereophonic reproduction technology. But most people who are not from Okama-ghanistan are ignorant and have no idea about how to get most musical satisfaction out of their LP phonographs and tapes. Have no fear lost peeps! - Okama is here, shagging sheeps! Ugh, ugh! Cough, cough! Um, OK, excuse the Okama. He will now demystify erroneous buying habits of the common consumer. Please take note punters before patronising your favourite high street hi-fi emporium.

• Boom boxes or Bose? - There are only two ways to get good sound. Okama doesn't usually recommend any brands, to keep his web site bias-free, however he must take exception to his self-imposed embargo and recommend the two titans of the home-theatre trade - Sony and Bose. Sonic bliss will be guaranteed when buying sound equipment from these two legends.
• Always listen to MP3s - Originally invented by the Nazis, the MP3 technology allows mere mortals to listen to music that's less than half the size of CDs! Leave it to the Krauts to pack so much schokolade fudge into their musical notes. Kraftwerk never sounded the same!
• Cables matter! - Don't choke your system with that thin chicken wire! For proper conduction of electro-magnetic sonic particles, good cables with superior audible attributes are de-riguer. Just like fine wine costs more but tastes better, the same principle applies to audio plumbing. As a rule of thumb, budget at least a third of your budget for cables, and ensure that the cable diameter exceeds the weed whacker of a Thai kathoey.

4,000 year of China history bring you sum good food to die for (in Tienanmen Square). No speak Engrish, you round-eye tourist-trap victim, so order by number. Phuk yu!

# 13. Thirteen Good Rucky Number in China-land for China-man. Anyhow this item call "Chop Chop Chop Suey," because it come quick! - £3.95
# 17. Panda Meat Sukiyaki (don't worry WWF-crazed white man, panda die naturally due to bamboo deforestation) - £4.95
# 23. Chicken-Choking Chow Mein (Shrimps £1 extra charged) - £3.95
# 42. Bad Dog, No Scooby Snack (Seasonal). So solly, this meal depend on how many unfortunate stray dog show up behind our kitchen in alleyway. - £1.95 (because meat content originally free)
# 51. Steamed lice (Chinese bedbugs) - 50p
# 72. Powdered Melamine-Based Funky Congee Dessert - You feel rucky? Then our monkey-spanking chef dare you to try kidney-stone-in-pee-pee-inducing concoction.
# 88. Chinese herbal tea - You horny sailor? Then drink this with many good herb for you, including ground rhinoceros horn and seahorses, both proven afro-disiac. Other herb include such ones like aconitum.

Note: All food served in ecological conscious bowls made from bamboo leaf pooped out by giant panda to reduce carbon footprints.

Toyota, the benchmark of automobile perfection, has been making clapped-out motorised chariots that even the Chinkees would be ashamed of. First, it was the stuck accelerator pedals due to the tatami car mats. What's next? Well, it's nothing less than the funked-up pedals themselves, made from mechanisms that won't release due to a buildup of white, sticky fluid. God only knows what the slopes assembling these things were spanking in the factory.

Sushi lovers around the globe, it's no secret that bluefin tuna is being fished to extinction. Nippy Nippos and Chinky Chinamen are stuffed to the gills with the fish. Gourmet-food whores! Next time you are patronising your favourite nise-Japo joint, you quarter-turning Sea Shepherd homos should be eating only tamago, kyuri and kanpyo. Don't even think about fatty tuna, it's natto hand roll for you!

Asashoryu-ken, the Mongolian BBQ diaper wrestler, has resigned. It's about time foreigners stopped molesting the purity of Japanese martial arts. The former yokozuna didn't contribute anything to fundoshi wrestling. He should be deported back to his home country ASAP, move back to his yurt in Ulan Bator and herd sheep. Off the sumo ring, he was just a drunk who slapped his beeyotches around. Keep sumo only for phat nips! Okama sheds no tears for the gaijin. Good riddance!