ObR: Hello Debito-san. You are a beacon of hope for all gaijin living in this land of the rising sun. When did you first get interested in moving to Japan and obtaining citizenship?
Debito: Well thank you Okama! I came here first back in ’87 as on a pilot program of what is now the JET program with the monbusho. I got interested in Japan while watching many Japanese TV dramas alone in my dorm room with a box of Kleenex. Although I knew that Rie Miyazawa was underage at the time, I had inevitably developed terminal yellow fever. No white chick, not even Susanne Somers would do it for me since my first yellow spank.ObR: What was your first impression of Japan?
Debito: I found out that the bitc… I, I mean women here squeal like pigs when I do a number on them but that’s fine with me. I got used to it after a while and became background noise when I would go for a quickie kyukei at various love hotels.ObR: Do you find Japanese people xenophobic?
Debito: Not when they see the size of my weed whacker, which isn’t even huge by American standards. The women seem to be closed somewhat first but after a few insincere attempts to be chivalrous, their chopsticks seem to open up a bit.ObR: What is your favourite Japanese food?
Debito: Not a ‘food’ per se, but it would be either ketcha-mayo, or choco-mayo. Otherwise, I like the steamed hot buns (curry-filled) from Lawson.ObR: Do you love your wife?
Debito: Oh unequivocally! She’s great. She plays my shakuhachi when I wake up and makes me fresh miso (horny) soup. Her 'feature set' is so exotic. I love her almond-shaped eyes, sloped forehead, flat chest, buckteeth, flat nose… – 'China-doll' features, you know? We have two beautiful hapa children who were ordained with genuine Japanese names – like Tanaka and Watanabe.ObR: Why did you change your name?
Debito: Since I teach now at a university in Japan groping naïve incoming students during my office hours and bought a house in the land of the rising sun, I feel very attached to this place. Besides, I’ve always thought I was a Nipponjin wrapped in a gaijin foreskin.ObR: Have you ever groped any female high-school students in uniform on the train?
Debito: Hey now, what are you instigating now Okama? You don’t think I’m a pervert do you? Yes, I’ve ‘copped a feel’ here and there, but let’s face it, it was a fully-packed tsukin-ressha you know? Japanese women know when to keep their yaps shut when it’s to my advantage. That’s most important to me, as a henna-gaijin in Nippon.ObR: Have you ever been refused admission into a sento due to your gaijin status?
Debito: Why yes, unfortunately. During my early days in JAPan, I’ve committed the cardinal sin in these communal bath houses of not washing oneself before entering the shared bath tub. Then I accidentally did one better by letting loose a floater in the water. It must have been the two jumbo helpings of miso ramen that led to this blunder.ObR: Do you think the soaring crime rate in Japan is not because of Chinese and Russian criminal gangs?
Debito: Absolutely! Most foreigners in Japan are law-abiding citizens. I’ve gotten proof that the media blows the foreigner crime rate in Japan out of proportion. Just the other day, I saw two uniform-clad high-school girls riding double on a bicycle. That’s highly illegal here and makes me upset.ObR: Lastly, if you hate it here so much, why do you continue to live here? Do you have a cushy job?
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