Okama bin Ramen

Apple, the boutique computer manufacturer, was caught red-handed the other day using phat ChinKids in what can only be described as Dickensian child labour practices. Often working 19-hour shifts with no comfort breaks in crowded factories, these ChinKids get fed only one bowl of wonton soup per day, often with no wontons. These potsticker children live in cramped quarters, packed like sardines (i.e. three or more to a bed stuffed with bamboo leaves).

You hipster fashionistas need to wake up by pouring some of that hot, scalding soy chai latte on your dysfunctional privates! Don't be buying no frou-frou laptop with a gay fruit logo to write your pron script at the local coffee joint! Buy a real computer without getting ripped off. Okama recommends a Dell Vostro for £229 (after coupon code discounts and mail-in rebates), which includes overworked Pradeep Vindaloo tech support from Bangalore.