Okama bin Ramen

In the go-go naughties, there is only one way to stay awake. Forget energy drinks and vitaminwater, caffeine from coffee is here to be hip! Nowadays, wannabe emo writers with asymmetrical bobs tuck behind their MacBooks, homo coffee cup in hand. But which drinks to choose from, considering there are a bewildering befuddlement of hot beverages? No fear, Okama is here! And his gayness will uncover the complexity of the pretentious euro-parlance for fru-fru coffee drinks in plain, simple-to-understand Engrish, that even a fresh-off the boat JAPpy-Chinawomyn person can decipher.

• Americano - Thin coffee
  
• Espresso - Strong coffee
• Macchiatto - Strong coffee with hot white foam
  
• Cappuccino - Coffee and hot frothy white milk
• Cafe au lait - Frenchy coffee and spunky hot white milk protein
  
• Latte - Strong coffee doused with loads of hot white foamy stuff
  
• Iced Latte - The aforementioned beverage over ice and other sweet junk
  

BONUS! - How to make your own cappuccino for a taste of Italy:

1. Brew coffee somehow (i.e. Nescafé Gold)
   
2. Stir milk warmed in microwave or add loads of whitener
   
3. Use IKEA battery-operated milk frother to make bubbles (top tip - don't forget the two AA batteries)
   

Non-believers have always said that Mac-suckers will bend over backwards to have Steve Jobs perform back-door burglary, emptying their wallets. But for the enlightened, such as Okama himself, believes that the so-called "Apple Tax" is a myth. Listen up all you haters as Okama will drop the F-bomb!

• Macs simply don't cost more - if you include the incidentals such as anti-virus software, anti-Trojan prophylactic software, anti-worm software, anti-spam software and anti-dolphin-safe-tuna-fishing software. For example, while a MacBook Pro can cost £3,559 with a 2.93 Giga Hertz central processing unit, eight Giga Bytes of random access memory and 256 Giga Byte solid-state drive, Okama is sure that a similar Dell would end costing the same after buying all that protection software. As a matter of fact, it's Micro$oft that's ripping you off, charging £220 for Windows Vista Ultimate Edition while Mac OS 10.5 (Leopard) costs only £83! Check yo' self!
  
• Macs come with iLife - iLife is the "Office for The Rest of Your Digital Life." With iLife, any okama-hentai-cosplay-chikan can use his gay photos and videos to make a spiffy home movie, and burn it on a DVD before he can say "daddy's home!" With the Dark Side Bill Gates OS, one will need to pay big okama bucks to get the same result.
  
• Macs have better design - Go to any pretentious coffee house, and what do you see? Gay okamas spanking behind their MacBooks! There has to be a good reason why these starving but aspirational screenplay writers have chosen the only computer with a sense of style. The jurors of the New York Modern Art Museum's permanent collection can't be wrong to perpetuate this snobbery.
• Macs don't do games - Think about all the time wasted by these overclockers playing Crysis Warhead and Far Cry 2, video games only available on the Dark Side. Mac users have time to do other things, like touting the benefits of Mac ownership in front of a Dell Vostro owner. Mac users don't waste time playing video games, as they are preoccupied creating content. The proof is in the puddding - pron movies and homo-erotica magazines are often laid out using Macs.
  

Okama, is a connoisseur, and at the forefront of many life pursuits, one of them being digital photography. He has dissected the until-now untold secrets of digital photo camera purchasing. This is the information high street shops don't want you to know, now divulged selflessly from Okama's good will and kind heart.

• Megapixels - The more the merrier! Ensure that the charged-coupled device megapixel count is in the millions to avoid serious disappointment. Nowadays, it is not uncommon to see one, two, even three-million picture elements in the imaging sensor. Count them all - if you can.
  
• AA batteries - How many times have you been at the important wedding or sporting event, just to find out that the proprietary rechargeable batteries are out of spunk juice? What good is this shirt-pocket exploding lithium technology if it's spent? The very best digital photo cameras incorporate AA battery-compatible capability. No more missed money shots!
  
• ISO sensitivity - A digital photo camera that has very high International Organisation for Standardisation sensitiveness is increasingly desirable. Nowadays, it is not uncommon to encounter digital photo cameras that have ISO sensitivities in the hundreds. A high rating helps illuminate dark shots, so crank it up like it's going out of style!
• Movie mode - Make your own onion-bhaji Bollywood-blockbuster spectacle you srumdog mirrionaire! The latest digital photo camera technology has enabled motion film to be captures on a still camera! Teamed up with Windows XP Movie Maker (TM), it's Hollywood at home.
  
• Zoom - The 2x, 3x or 4x zoom capability now offered in digital photo cameras allows pervs on the Yamanote line snap close and tight upskirt shots. Pity the poor sukebe bloke who set his mobile in the ladies room in a Tokyo park to automatically take photos! If only his digital photo camera had a zoom function, he could have snapped super-okama hentai voyeur pictures.
  

There you have it, whether you are ready or not, the above Okama top tips are all one needs to shoot photography rivalling Ansel Adams and Henri Bresson.

We must stop bashing China for all that ails humanity. Just because those Chinamen and Chinawomyn poop in our egg foo young, this is no excuse for the rampant anti-Chinko sentiment. Yes, there is lead paint used in Chinky children's toys that AmeriKKKan children ram through their cornholes, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Lead enemas may contain anti-cancer agents as well, as reported in a recent entry in the scientific journal, Nature. Yes, Beijing's air quality is so bad it not only chokes your lungs, but also your chicken. However, they must move on and have The Olympic Games in 2008 - year of the Ratatouille. We should all sit down at a chop suey joint and throw a dash of melamine on our food along with a bottle of MSG.

Okama will perform some mythbusters on common misconceptions about the Macintosh personal computer system.

• Macs are expensive - FACT - Macs cost too much. Only an Okama would want to bend over and hug the porcelain goddess to surf for free gay pron and use electronic mail on this platform.
  
• Macs are slow - FACT - Macs do not run the latest processors that PCs use, such as the Pentium Pro. Instead, CPUs such as the PowerPC 601 and other Motorola processors are used, which are anachronistic and not en vogue.
  
• Macs don't work with PCs - FACT - Macintosh personal computer systems use AppleTalk for networking, which is incompatible with Windows Longhorn.
  
• Macs don't run Microsoft Office - FACT - Microsoft Office development has been long canceled for the Macintosh and people are stuck using AppleWorks.
  
• Macs are for artists - FACT - Macs are only used by okama starving artists and other gaylord pursuits. No rational and straight sexual-orientated person would compute on such an apparatus.