Okama bin Ramen

Disclaimer: The term ‘Debito’ here does not refer in any way to the person Arudou Debito, or the man formerly known as David Christopher Aldwinckle. Although it could have been him.

ObR: Hello Debito-san. You are a beacon of hope for all gaijin living in this land of the rising sun. When did you first get interested in moving to Japan and obtaining citizenship?

Debito: Well thank you Okama! I came here first back in ’87 as on a pilot program of what is now the JET program with the monbusho. I got interested in Japan while watching many Japanese TV dramas alone in my dorm room with a box of Kleenex. Although I knew that Rie Miyazawa was underage at the time, I had inevitably developed terminal yellow fever. No white chick, not even Susanne Somers would do it for me since my first yellow spank.

ObR: What was your first impression of Japan?

Debito: I found out that the bitc… I, I mean women here squeal like pigs when I do a number on them but that’s fine with me. I got used to it after a while and became background noise when I would go for a quickie kyukei at various love hotels.

ObR: Do you find Japanese people xenophobic?

Debito: Not when they see the size of my weed whacker, which isn’t even huge by American standards. The women seem to be closed somewhat first but after a few insincere attempts to be chivalrous, their chopsticks seem to open up a bit.

ObR: What is your favourite Japanese food?

Debito: Not a ‘food’ per se, but it would be either ketcha-mayo, or choco-mayo. Otherwise, I like the steamed hot buns (curry-filled) from Lawson.

ObR: Do you love your wife?

Debito: Oh unequivocally! She’s great. She plays my shakuhachi when I wake up and makes me fresh miso (horny) soup. Her 'feature set' is so exotic. I love her almond-shaped eyes, sloped forehead, flat chest, buckteeth, flat nose… – 'China-doll' features, you know? We have two beautiful hapa children who were ordained with genuine Japanese names – like Tanaka and Watanabe.

ObR: Why did you change your name?

Debito: Since I teach now at a university in Japan groping naïve incoming students during my office hours and bought a house in the land of the rising sun, I feel very attached to this place. Besides, I’ve always thought I was a Nipponjin wrapped in a gaijin foreskin.

ObR: Have you ever groped any female high-school students in uniform on the train?

Debito: Hey now, what are you instigating now Okama? You don’t think I’m a pervert do you? Yes, I’ve ‘copped a feel’ here and there, but let’s face it, it was a fully-packed tsukin-ressha you know? Japanese women know when to keep their yaps shut when it’s to my advantage. That’s most important to me, as a henna-gaijin in Nippon.

ObR: Have you ever been refused admission into a sento due to your gaijin status?

Debito: Why yes, unfortunately. During my early days in JAPan, I’ve committed the cardinal sin in these communal bath houses of not washing oneself before entering the shared bath tub. Then I accidentally did one better by letting loose a floater in the water. It must have been the two jumbo helpings of miso ramen that led to this blunder.

ObR: Do you think the soaring crime rate in Japan is not because of Chinese and Russian criminal gangs?

Debito: Absolutely! Most foreigners in Japan are law-abiding citizens. I’ve gotten proof that the media blows the foreigner crime rate in Japan out of proportion. Just the other day, I saw two uniform-clad high-school girls riding double on a bicycle. That’s highly illegal here and makes me upset.

ObR: Lastly, if you hate it here so much, why do you continue to live here? Do you have a cushy job?

Debito: I’d be such a loser back in the States since I was a virgin until I came to Japan and started scoring as if I got lucky in Vegas with some horny and generally clueless Japanese b!tches. I can watch all the perverted anime, have a wank in public, take upskirt pics with my cell phone camera, and that’s business as usual.